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2,920 Days in


2010
08.18

Posted in Life, Parenting, SLMB, family | 2 Comments »

Okay, this past weekend my son completed his first eight years. While nothing has changed with him over night, I do realize he’s no where close to the lil baby that was born 2,920 days ago, on Wednesday, August 14th, 2002.

The only real reason I remember the actual day of the week is that I had purposely taken that day off. Work was getting to me, so I requested HUMP day as a personal day, to shorten my week. The plan was to relax at home and do nothing, but watch TV and be online. Can you believe I had dial-up internet service and HD meant Hard drive, which had nothing to do with TV. Hey, I even had a flip phone, matter of fact it was a nextel, with no camera, and texting cost an arm and a leg then so they were rationalized. So in the past TWO THOUSAND NINE HUNDRED TWENTY days many things have changed.

My little man is on his way to third grade, and it amazes, me and THE WIFE, with how self sufficient he is, better said can be at times. Nothing neater than walking by the kitchen to see him getting himself some ice cream on his own accord. His typical response is “I’m just getting a snack to eat while I watch a movie”. He’s funny when he ask to play the video games, and we ask him how much time he has left. He stands there calculating, how much time, and how many days left in the week he has left. To finally decide that, he really doesn’t want to play. Yes, my son has a specific amount of video game time each week! So if he uses all it all in one day he can not play til the following week!

I wonder where the time is going, cause to me it seems like it was just yesterday when we brought home this little ity, bity little thing. He wore Newborn diapers, that fit like they were two sizes to big for him. At times I find myself staring at him, only to realize he’s my son, and the choices I make will impact him in so many ways. Then I question if I’ve made the right choices by him! I’ll never know 100%, if every choice I’ve made in these past 2,920 days were right, but I do know that they were made with him in mind, and so will the next 2,920 days when he celebrates 16, and the every day after that as well!

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Forget Big Brother, what about MOM and DAD!


2010
03.15

Posted in Life, Parenting, family, relationship, values | 2 Comments »

Me and the wife picked up netbooks a few weeks ago, mind you I was supposed to be the only one getting one, but the wife couldn’t resist the urge.  Since we’ve gotten the netbooks the pc hasn’t gotten nearly as much use as it did prior to having the netbooks, a fact that our son has clearly pointed out to us.  He even hinted at moving the pc from the living room to his room, according to him he “doesn’t have to bother us anymore”.   We are also in the process of upgrading our phones to which again, lil man says now he can have his “own blackberry”.   Yeah he’s seven which makes these conversations surreal, but a realize its no longer 1982 and its not me who is 7 years old.

Earlier today while researching information on sprints next new blackberry on my number spot for blackberry info crackberry.com in the forums, I read a question posted by a parent in regards to their 15 year old who wanted a phone, and what the parent was researching for, is a program which he/she could use to in essence spy on what ever the daughter did on the phone. The thread was actually started early March 15th early morning, and was already 6 pages long by 4:30pm on the same day. That in itself is crazy, the tread turned into a right versus wrong as far as how far can a parent go, and how much privacy is a child really entitled to.  Myself with a lil man who seems to understand more about technology than I thought he was capable of understanding decided to read through most of the thread.  Many chimed in on the fact that if a parent is looking to such measures that the relationship between parent and child has other issues, while others have gone with the my house my rules approach, and feel the parent is in the right as far as spying or what they claim is “good” parenting!

Me personally do not agree with going to such extent to know what a child of mine is doing!   Say what you will, just because I’m the dad it does not give me the right to spy to such extreme or to be such a paranoid parent.   I think to give my son a phone with spy ware, especially with out him knowing is a betrayal on our relationship and everything I feel I’ve taught him.   The argument was brought up that life has changed and today things are worst than say twenty years ago. That to me is total crap, yes times have changed, but like everything we made the most out of the technology that was available then.   I grew up with beepers in high school and I made sure as soon as the skytel pagers came out I copped one (for those who don’t know the skytel pagers came with a 800 number and actual text message versus the basic call back number).  Do you think I didn’t find myself in trouble because it was easy to make plans and get together at moments notice, hell yeah!   Do you think if I founnd out my moms was spying, I wouldn’t have found other ways of keeping in touch, damn real! If my mother would have went to extremes of access to my messages, we would have had serious personal issues.   Only thing was my mom made it clear as I got older, “get in trouble with the law don’t bother calling me in the middle of the night, I’ll hang up you”(for the record, I have never gotten in trouble with the law).   My moms showed us by example, we could never point a finger and say but you do it.   When I was legally old enough to drink I’d tell her “I’m going drinking with some buddies,” and did she like it, nope not one damn bit.  The fact that she knew I went out drinking ensured that I walked through that door and said “mammita I’m home and good night”.   That wasn’t the end either cause no matter what, I had to get up for work in the morning.  I knew the moment I hung out and she had to wake me up for work, she’d be mad as hell and would have more fuel to beef with me about hanging out!  Yeah you might say that the age of the girl is different from my personal story but the rules apply. You can expect to be respected, by anyone who you yourself do not respect.

See my moms loved me and as any parent always wanted what was best for me, and though me and moms argued, and rarely saw eye to eye on anything.  One thing I love about her was that see let me be. Whether it was because when I came around she’d been worn down by five older siblings and  she was know doing it on her own with out her life partner who past away or just maybe she felt I would do what I had to do, it didn’t hurt to show her that I was responsible for myself.   My mom was as nosy as any parent is and honestly I expected that.  I always understood on some level that was love at work.   She never made an effort to go through my personal belongings even when they were out for her to see.  Why did I leave out to begin with TRUST.  If I can’t trust my mother then who.

My plan has always been to be a father to my sons first, a friend second.   I let him know now as a seven year old, yeah he’s my best buddy, but I am ALWAYS his dad first!  When he tells me stories he rather not share  it becomes our story.  I build with him every chance I can, I tell him I love him not matter what, and when he does something wrong I don’t lose it, rather try and make him understand.   From what I’ve gathered in these past seven years as a father is, that my son knows more than I think and, what he doesn’t he wants ME to show him.

Am I afraid of the peer-pressure my SLMB will face in this day and age, hell fucking yeah.  Will I let that fear guide me, hell no. Its that fear that drives, not just me, but my wife to ensure we give him the proper tools to make the right decisions.  My mother always said “you can take a horse to the rivers edge but you can’t make him drink”.  My son is not a horse but I will prepare him for life as best as possible. There’s many aspects to this subject and at no point do I claim to be right or know what’s best answer for this situations, but I do know life is about trials and tribulations.

  • Parents seriously how do you feel?
  • To those with young ones, would you add spy ware to your child’s cell phone with out their knowledge?
  • How bout those with children who already have cell phones how do you monitor your child’s activity?
  • Is it truly okay for a parent to monitor their child without telling them, or would you at least tell them?
  • Does anyone have first hand experience good or bad?

One thing to think about for those who say times have changed, 50-60 years ago it wasn’t unheard of kids dropping out of high school around 10th and 11th grade to find work and help the family!  So yeah times have changed kids are kids longer!   Leave me your thoughts and comments share your stories also!

One last thing on the thread someone responded by saying the daughter should just have her boyfriend buy her a cell phone!

  • How do feeling about that?
  • Would you really encourage you child to have a boyfriend or girlfriend by them a cell phone?
  • Isn’t that the wrong message to give a child?
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    The answer is in the question


    2010
    02.26

    Posted in Education, Parenting, SLMB, family, values | 2 Comments »

    One of the first things as a parent I looked forward to was the moment diapers were no longer part of the shopping list.  I dreaded getting that call at work from the wife, to not forget to get a box of pampers, I swore she must have been using them for origami or something, cause I got that call like every other day.  While my son went up in pamper size I’d cheer and cry at the same time.  I cheered for the fact the the bigger the pamper size the closer we were to parting and saying good bye to pampers forever, it didn’t help that my lil man was a preemie  and size N fit him like an oversized trash bag when he came home.  After every size up I’d cry also, cause the box would get smaller yet the price remained the same, and I swear I was still buying boxes at the same rate.  Anyway soon enough the pamper stage was nothing but a memory (my lil man took about a week to potty train), the next stage which I heard so much about was just beginning, the verbal marathon.

    The big difference between the diaper runs and the verbal marathon was the pacing.  The diaper run was like speed racing, which started with a bang, the moment you arrive home with your new born giving you no time to do anything but react, the verbal marathon is quite the opposite starting slow and steady.  This slow and steady pace caught me off guard, I was enthralled and cheered my son on as he began with his first words, which by the way was da, I think the wife is still upset about that.  She feels that after walking around pregnant with him that she earned the rights to his first sound being ma, sorry bout that though, at least you got second place sweetie.  Like any proud parents we cheered him on unaware of what was to come.  Me and the wife kept cheering him on as the verbal marathon continued, thing is we eventually forgot about the marathon.  Our son caught a second wind as he went into the mid stretch of the verbal marathon.  This second wind was unlike the first stretch, where he was just feeling his way, with each and every new word as he mastered and understood them, nah the second stretch was him flexing his verbal mastery.  He was putting together short and simple sentences which was nice, but the sentences went from things such as what he wanted, like, and didn’t like to why.  I’m pretty sure any parent reading this, knows “WHY”, has a tendency to throw a wrench in any conversation, you have with your child.  Nothing worse than being in the middle of some task and telling you child to do something and they respond with why.  Don’t get me wrong, why is great since is show’s you that your child is thinking and trying to make sense of what is happening, but as a parent at times I don’t feel a need for a discussion and having my son just comply with direction would just make things easier, at least for me.  The questions still are raised by my son and we have taken a cheer leading approach to it.  Yes it can be VERY exhausting to cheer your child on during the second stretch of the verbal marathon stage but it’s worth it.  See my son is now seven years old and we continue to cheer him on, we have no idea when this verbal marathon will end or when he’ll go into the last stretch of just cruising to the finish line, at times the questions are fast and furious or just overwhelming we have no immediate response for him, such as when he asked “what is ejaculation?”.

    I’ve always been a cheer leader for my son in his verbal marathon not by choice, but more so by habit.  See I’ve never been one to follow the person in front of me just because they were in front.  I guess I got that from one of my sisters growing up, she would end our conversation if she asked me why and my answer was because.  To her it wasn’t about whether my answer was right or wrong but that I be able to explain it in my own words not a teachers words, or the article I may have just read.   She said if your response to something is because is means you truly don’t understand what your saying and might as well just read aloud where you got the information from.  Well that wasn’t exactly what she told me, but, that’s pretty much what I’ve gotten out of it.  So with that thought process every time my son ask a question I see it as his attempt to learn something he doesn’t fully understand.  Instead of giving him a simple answer I respond with a question of my own.  I’m proud to say I don’t often give him a direct answer, actually rarely.  This exchange between us is a learning experience for not only him but myself.  While giving a child or an adult for that matter a direct answer speeds up the exchange between the two, but nothing is learned in the process.  Often I see parents that don’t realize just what their own child knows or are capable of, because every time the child ask a question they rather give an appropriate yet direct response.

    Let me use my son as an example, he’s a pretty rational and also an abstract self  thinker in terms of how he goes about doing things.  How do I know this well because when I ask him a question and he gives me a response I ask him why, and how.  This always leads me into some of his abstract thoughts of why, it’s even surprises me since even before asking him why or how I tend to have my thoughts on how or why he got the response he did, but soon after asking him why I am face with a totally different view.  My son is very good in math, he’s in second grade and while his class is doing basic addition and subtraction of three digit numbers, he himself is working on multiplication (he came home and asked me to find a website to help teach him multiplication, I kid you not) and is fully aware of positive and negative number and knows where they go on a number line.  Every now and then I give him random verbal addition question, this particular question came during a commercial break.  I said  ”Hey SLMB, what’s 8+7= come on quick, quick?”  He surely answered quickly with 15.  Yeah he’s working on multiplication but it is always good to back and go through older concepts, sort of like a refresher.  So I asked him how did he know that?  I thought he would say cause he’s memorized adding and subtracting all the smaller number or something to that affect, but what he told me was that “I know 8+8 is 16 so instead of adding he subtracted 1 from 8 because it would give him seven, and he know 8+8=16 so 8+7 would be 15. While my sons response to the question was right I probed him to understand why and how, and it proved that he is not depending on what he has memorized but finding his way to simplify problem for him to solve it, ensuring me that he’s not just giving me a preprogrammed response from memorizing.  This also helps when I ask him other questions, because I can honestly have an idea of how he may think about the question posed to him, making our conversations more engaging.  This helps no matter what subject we may discus with our son.  The only side effect of this is now our son needs to understand everything, thus me and the wife believe this verbal marathon will continue way past into his adulthood.  Which I don’t mind you can’t correct anything with out asking the proper questions.  As long as my son ask questions, he will always be seeking knowledge, and it’s that knowledge that he seeks which he will ultimately base his decisions off of in the future.  So I continue to cheer him on his verbal marathon.

    Side note: My son has an extensive library with books on all types of subject matter, we encourage him whether or not the book is age appropriate since we will gladly read it to him, and one of his book is on human anatomy and we’ve gotten up to reproductive section, which he went ahead and looked over himself, bring us to where he found the word ejaculation.  So with that being said question time.

    Parents, how would you explain ejaculation to a seven year old?  How do you deal with question marathon stage?  Do you think the verbal marathon is appreciated in school especially in grades two and up?  Let me know what you think!

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    When children train Parents…


    2010
    02.08

    Tags: , , , ,
    Posted in Parenting | No Comments »

    One day I was on the bus with my SLMB, where I was going is irrelevant but if it makes you feel better, I forgot.  While on the bus, a few stops later, a lady with her daughter got on. Her daughter was cute as a button, with extra large curls, dressed all in pink, with a matching little purse.  As the mother boarded and reached in her bag for her metro card so did her daughter. There were others who also wanted to board the bus so the mother grabbed her daughter and sat down after paying her fare.

    While scene is itself is normal, even I went through that when my lil one was around three.   I think, children enjoy going through all the same motions that adults do, though it can be a bit frustrating when out in public, since they feel the need to complete whatever task at hand regardless of the circumstances.   That was not the issue with the mother and the daughter, the issue started once the bus started moving.

    For the sake of this story I’ll give the mother and daughter names.  The mother will be Amanda and the daughter we’ll just call her Suzie, to help make them easy to relate to.   The song and dance that was about to happen is one that I seen before, but it’s the first time my SLMB got a front row seat.

    As Amanda try to settle down with Suzie, (taking Public Transportation with a toddler and carriage can be a big ordeal), Suzie continued to rummage through her little purse until she finally fished out her metro card.   Suzie held up her metro card like a winning lotto ticket, and Suzie was about to claim her winnings.   Suzie decide that she knew exactly what to do with her metro card and felt she needed no assistance.   Suzie did the toddler turn-a-round and slide on your stomach to get off her seat (if you have kids you know that move), which Amanda promptly sat her back.   Little adorable Suzie was not happy, and she would let the entire bus know it also.   As Suzie began to cry, Amanda did what so many other parents including myself have done.   Amanda try to give Suzie a toy which promptly ended up on the floor.   With the toy on the floor Suzie began to cry even louder, with screams of “NO” and “I WANT GO”, Amanda began going down the list. First the toy, then the quiet talk, yeah the one where parents whisper saying look you don’t want people to see you being bad, she tried a snack, even sat Suzie on her lap.   As Amanda continued down the list Suzie would kick and scream louder and even began to fight back.  All the while, my son would keep glancing back and fourth between Suzie and me of all people.   My response was to my son was just to shrug my shoulders.   Amanda and Suzie battled for about ten minutes.   Suzie wore Amanda down, forcing her to walk her over while the bus was moving, so that she could use her metro card.

    First, I am no professional when it comes to parenting nor am I a psychologist, but I blame Amanda for Suzie behavior.  Like I said this is not the first time I’ve seen this same episode, I’ve seen it too many times, yet it always ends that same, with the parent tapping out saying “UNCLE”.

    As parents we see our children as babies incapable of properly communicating with us, and not knowing any better.   News flash: They know, it is the parent who doesn’t understand the child, and they are communicating with us before they even say a word.   How is that so you may ask well it’s simple our first response to others is from what we see.   If some one approaches you with a smile your more likely to smile back, why, it’s you communicating with that person without speaking.  How bout this, if you happen to bump into some one who does not share your language tell them the saddest story you have with a smile.   They will not know what you’re saying, but they will smile back, and vice versa.  So Amanda by whispering to Suzie with a gentle smile, is giving her the wrong message.   This is a rather small thing to correct with children, though many parents think they have to yell and have the meanest face to show that they are not happy, this type of parent is also wrong.  Amanda just needs to speak sternly with a facial expression to match.

    The biggest issue with Amanda and Suzie is that Amanda has shown Suzie it takes some time to get what see wants.  Children like adults live by routines.   Suzie knows if she continues to cry she will get what she wants, and Amanda has taught her that. If Suzie has never gotten what she want from kicking and screaming what purpose would she have to do it then.   Amanda has given that behavior a purpose.   For Amanda to change that she would have to not give in once she has said NO.   Once Suzie realizes that NO means she will not get it, she will find other ways of getting it, which hopefully are more constructive.   There are ways to get rid of unwanted behaviors, but first parents need to be aware of what they are really teaching their children.

    I have shared this story with several of the parents that I follow on twitter below you will read their perspective on the same situation.

    @nycitymama
    Well, a couple of things here. Saying no, for the sake of no is wrong. I believe Amanda is sending mixes messages here.  She let’s Suzie walk around with a little purse, she even has her own metro card to feel like “a big girl”, yet when Suzie wants to act like a big girl, Amanda let’s the stress of the moment take over and denies her the experience.

    What Amanda needs to do is make sure Suzie has her metro card ready, like a big girl, or just take it away all together.

    I’m not sure I’m the best for giving parental advice, especially when dealing with tantrums, but I am learning that rules with no reason or understanding, are as if there were no rules at all. Even though they are small children they deserve to understand the reason of things.

    I recently wrote about a program I discovered to improve communication between my children and myself. I hope that Amanda took the time to talk to Suzie about the bus incident. We will never know. But allowing her to swipe the card would have avoided the whole mess for sure.

    Carol Cain
    Founder, Publisher
    The Adventures of a NYCity Mama
    www.nycitymama.com

    Managing Editor
    NY Metropolista
    www.nymetropolista.com

    @kidlution

    The scenario you describe is a classic. Only there is a slight twist.  Tantrums can be ignited when a child’s wants/needs/desires are thwarted.  Parents may have to thwart their kid’s desires for very good reasons, such as a toddler trying to cross a road, a kid wanting to eat cookies before dinner, a kid wanting to stay up past his bedtime.

    Other times, a child’s wants/needs/desires may be thwarted not because what she wants is dangerous, inappropriate or unacceptable, but, because it is inconvenient for the parent.  Such is the case you describe.

    This child clearly had very goal-oriented behavior (getting her Metro card out of her mini-purse) and was attempting to imitate the behavior of her main role-model, her mother.  I think that the thwarting of that goal is what led to this outburst. This child was not going to stop until she got what she wanted, or her mother made it clear that it was a non-negotiable issue.  Clearly, we see who won out.

    The kid was in tantrum mode and the mom likely was experiencing a flood of emotions herself (embarrassment, irritation, anger) and may have given-in to the child for a variety of reasons that we can’t even begin to guess at. Maybe she thought, “I have to get this kid to be quiet so as not to disturb the other passengers. I have tried every trick in the book. I’m going to give in so I can keep the peace for the sake of my bus mates.”

    Either way, you are right in your thoughts that the mom has just reinforced for the daughter that she only needs to tantrum a little louder, a little longer to get what she wants. The fireworks might get bigger the next time.

    Fortunately, this is one of those situations in which the problem could have been avoided altogether. When we as parents recognize and accept the fact that life just “takes longer” when we have little ones in tow, we can slow down just a little to let kids do the things that they need to learn how to do. This was a missed opportunity for the child to get a sense of satisfaction over having located her Metro card and swiped it across the meter….”just like mama did.” While it may have taken 1-2 more minutes from the outset, it would have saved time in the long run.

    Fortunately for parents, just like kids, we have the opportunity to do it different next time, if the way we just did it didn’t work out so well. For some, the learning curve is much bigger than others.

    Read more about
    “How to Tame a Tantrum”

    Wendy Young, LMSW, BCD, is a mom of 3 school-aged children and a Child & Family Therapist in Michigan’s Upper Peninsula. She consults to numerous early childhood programs, including Head Start and Early Head Start. She is the founder of
    “Kidlutions: Solutions for Kids” and the creator of the “Spin-Doctor Parenting Blog”. She is passionate about helping parents deal with challenging, difficult and intense children.

    @jaimami
    As a first time mom, I can say that I don’t think anyone can prepare you what being “mami” means. As soon as my son learned how to walk and talk (and talk back!) I was just floored. Hate if you want to but I plan my outings around my child’s schedule. Why? To avoid an incident like that lady on the bus. Because I just don’t have time for it. Here’s my secret to minimizing tantrums in public. And yes he has trained me well!

    If your child still naps…plan your outing after naptime. Bring their favorite toy with them to occupy their time. I have always taken my son out to stores even as an infant and he’s always done very well for this reason. Plus he’s naturally curious, always has been, so he entertains himself by checking out his surroundings. Also, he brings what he calls his “jet pack” which is a backpack full of his favorite toys of the moment, sometimes his blankie and snacks. Snacks are always good to keep cranky children well behaved.

    Master “the speech”. This is what I tell him in the car before we enter a store. He’s not even three yet and knows it by heart. Here goes: mami: are you going to behave? Booba: yes Mami: are you going to sit in the cart? Booba: yes. Mami: Are you going to listen? Booba: yes, I will be patient. And yes, he says the word patient!

    So my two cents…Suzie needed a nap! But the way I see it, Amanda should have just avoided all the drama by letting Suzie swipe her card too. She could have prepared by going on the bus last, or giving her some sort of “the speech” prior to getting on the bus. Trust me people, it works!

    Janice “Jai” Correa
    www.Mamistimeout.com

    Parents tell me how would you deal with Amanda? Do you agree with points stated by myself and guest speakers?

      Copyright secured by Digiprove © 2010 Matthew Ciscart

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    My Father, but not my dad


    2010
    01.06

    Tags: , , ,
    Posted in Life, Parenting | 4 Comments »

    In early December of last year I met up with Ray, at the Sugar Cafe .  Me and Ray have worked together on several posts on each others blog before.  We met up to talk about possible posts that we could work on together and try to come to a formal agreement our previous work together was more of spontaneous.  We chatted about things we were doing with our individual sites and future projects, one topic lead to another and began talking about parenting.  Ray told me how he enjoyed my posts about my SLMB, yet he could not personally relate to it, because his childhood.  I offered Ray a chance to write about it, if he wanted to.  So what you find below is a bit about Ray.  Do be aware that this is not the typical Ray you will find over at his blog here.

    As I get older, I realize more and more that having a father in my life now is irrelevant. Where were you when your presence was actually needed? Pick any age: 2-17. I’m my mother’s first child and was her only child for 9 years until my little sister was born. My father has 7 kids, I’m his second, the only one with my mother and there’s a brother and a sister both 1.5 years younger than me… No they’re not twins, my father was just a condomless-wearing scallywag back in the 80s. Not counting the time when I was in pampers, I’ve never lived with my father. He would make cameos in my life when I was a child, to take my over-weight ass to the Haagen Dazs store on Broadway or to introduce me to another one of his new kids.

    A memory just came back to me. I was in my father’s bike shop on 145th Street between 8th and Bradhurst, it must of been 87, 88 because my half-sister was a baby, but already talking. Her mother was there and so was my mother and our father. The three parents stood there and watched as I, 3 years old, argued with my one and half year old little sister, about who’s father that was.
    “No, that’s my father…”
    “No, that’s my father…”
    “No, that’s my father…”
    I don’t remember how that ended, but I know that was a pivotal moment in my very young life. That could of been the very point I lost faith and trust in my parent(s.) I still remember that feeling of being lied to and feeling like I was on display…
    I’m still am better off than some people, only for the fact that I know who my father is and I can attribute some of my traits and characteristics to him (and I appreciated that), but I don’t think I ever had a “dad.” And there’s really a difference. The dad is the person that’s there day to day- committed to molding this young life form into a productive member of society, human being. Not just a lapse-dad that makes his regularly scheduled appearance on Easter, Birthdays and Christmas. Movies, Sizzlers and Aunt’s house.

    This is why, now, at 25, I can care less if my father’s here, I evolved beyond needing that appendage. I have no frame of reference to know what I missing out on and I don’t need him now. I think now that my father’s older than 50 and his youngest children are becoming teenagers, he’s reflecting on some of his past parental indiscretions and trying to rebuild a relationship, but that ship sailed out of the Too Little Too Late Port years ago. So now, my father calls me (usually for my birthday, a day later or a week before) and we have the driest conversations ever. Like talking to Ben Stein. I can only ask about the weather but so many times. There’s no animus, I just can’t connect or commit to building anything. For what, he’s just a guy to me now, nothing else.
    My father texted me on Christmas, “Merry Christmas Son, hope all is well. luv u.” That pissed me off and grossed me out on numerous levels. First of all, my parents don’t need to text and if they do, they should spell correctly (I think he thought an l-u-v would be less over-reaching than l-o-v-e, but either way, it’s a moot point.) I never even called him “dad”, “daddy”, “papi”, “pops” before, let alone told him I loved him, so to see that in the text was just alien to me. Thus, me being pissed off. I couldn’t reply though, for fear that he might reply back as well and then a conversation would ensue…

    post script Now, me and the half-sister I mentioned before call our father, “your father,” when we talk about him. We’ll say, “have you spoken to your father later,” as if neither one of us want to claim him. It’s like after 20 years we came full-circle…

    3 comments

    I laughed but…I also cried (Inside that is)


    2009
    12.13

    Posted in Life, Parenting, SLMB, family | 3 Comments »

    Today is Sunday, just like any other Sunday before it, that was until I tried to say good morning to my SLMB. See Sunday’s tends to be the longest day of the week, since I go to school, then work right after, til about 10pm. Meaning when I get home SLMB is in bed already.
    I have a math professor who tries and sells me on how important it’ll be in everyday life to be able to use alphabets in math. If you ask me alphabets are made for reading and writing. The only reason a math problem has six letters and two numbers, is that a genius had to much time on their hands and played a cruel joke, which I must suffer through now.
    Anyway back to my morning, I tried to wake up SLMB to say Good Morning and wish him a fun filled day and maybe bust his chops for a bit, before heading off on my day. Well it didn’t go according to plan, this little “#*$*¤”…, let me just show you how the conversation went down.

    ME: Hey Boopa (yeah I can’t call him SLMB all the times, so this is another one of his names)
    SLMB: aghh (toss and turns, pulls the cover over his heads)
    ME: Hey, Daddy’s, bout to go to school and work.
    SLMB: Why you waking me up so early, I’m sleeping late today
    ME: but Ima be out the whole day
    SLMB: okaaaay, BYE! (With out lifting his head)

    While I’m not foolish enough to think this conversation wouldn’t eventually happen, but not at seven years old. So while I laughed, I also cried inside. The crying was done on several levels. That not matter what my little man is growing up at an alarming rate, and there isn’t a damn thing I can do about it.  Though I appreciate his growing independence, it just makes me feel like I’m getting old.  The biggest reason I laughed though, is, next week, when I forget to wake him before leaving, he’ll be upset with me for not doing so, letting me know that my lil man is still my SLMB.

    Do you have a story to share about your little one growing up oh to fast?  Feel free and share in the comments area.  I plan on making a times flies when you raising kids post soon, and all stories are welcome.

    Leave me alone sleeping late today!

    Leave me alone sleeping late today!

      Copyright secured by Digiprove © 2010 Matthew Ciscart

    8 comments

    What is homework…


    2009
    12.09

    Posted in Education, Parenting | 8 Comments »

    Homework

    Homework

    The other week, I once again spent some time with my sons classroom talking about composting.  I took time to collect the homework I had assigned them, and read it out loud in hopes to get a small discussion going.  Upon reading through the work I was met with mixed feelings.  While the the overall look of the homework ran from basic to something I would probably write, which of the two, the later scares me.  I quickly became aware that something was happening, of which in my book have no productive value.  First thing I became aware of was that some of the parents were pretty much dictating the homework to the kids.  A quick sample sentence I encountered went something to the effect of “On the first three days there were no changes, but on days 4,5,and 6 the piece of fruit became soft and mushy to touch”.   Don’t get me wrong, while this sounds great,  I honestly don’t think that an average second grader would describe an apple in a plastic bag this way. (If I’m wrong please some one out there correct me). This followed by words that I read, that, when I asked the author of one of the papers, I was given a wide eyed looked as, why would I know that word.
    This post is to tell parents my perception of homework, and why I personally choose, and gave the work I did.  This is a second career choice for me and in my first career, retail management, I’ve been tasked with solving all sorts of issues, whether it be increasing productivity or cutting payroll or maximizing scheduling hours for buisness needs.  As with any issue that may arise one must have a clear idea of what the hell is going on. If you don’t, you end up causing more harm than good.

    To me, homework is the eqivilent of using any of the assements tools one would find in retail, things like looking at dollar made vs hours paid, or looking at traffic patterns and sales paterns.  Which are used when trying to find ways to not just how to cut payroll, but making sure one is properly staffed. The homework I gave was rather simple in my eyes, and I felt that it would require some small guiding assistance from the parents, which was my intentions. The assignment was as followed:
    1. Get a piece of fruit or vegatable and place in a ziplock bag
    2. Write one sentence saying what fruit or vegetable you choose.
    3. Write a sentence stating whether the fruit or vegtable belong to green or brown category
    4. Over the course of the next week write at least 5 more sentences discribing what was happening inside the bag.

    So over the course of one week they would write seven sentences total, of which two I gave already.

    I also gave them a list of words, and phrases, that they could use to help come up with some sentences. My thoughts were, I’d be able to come up with something more tailored for them after reviewing there homework.  After seeing how descriptive there parents, are I am still unaware of what kind of work to give the children, but on the flip side I know what to give the parents.  In simple terms I can not honestly gauge what the children are capable of doing, or how to help those who may need assistance.  In my book homework is to me a test.  While it may not be the year end test, I do feel it is another tool educators have in assisting our children.  So parents when you do your childs work you are short changing your child, you are making the job of our EDUCATORS that much more difficult.  Parents think of this way, you go to doctors office with a lower back pains, and upon the doctor asking you how have you been feeling, you respond, fine!  Do you think the doctor is going to refer you to see a chiropactor for your back or give you some medicine, Nope.  So don’t send your children to school with your words in thier books.

    So my question to the educators is, how do you handle this issue, or do you consider this to not be an issue at all?  Do you speak to the parents to stress the importance of the child doing the work?  Do you offer them guidance on more effective ways to help their children with their school work?  And last is this even an issue worth discussing?

    And my question to the parents, how do you go about guiding your child when helping them with their homework?  Have you ever found yourself just giving your child the answer?  Have you ever discussed the homework with the Educator?

    5 comments

    Our condition can not excuse us.


    2009
    12.02

    Posted in Education, Life, Parenting, family | 5 Comments »

    I happen to run across this here article earlier today, and most say it is a great read with very valid points.  I do feel there is something wrong with our inner city men, as you can tell by the statistics give in the article and women.  But!  One thing I hate, is when some one finds out that I have son (I don’t look like I’m about to turn 34 due to my handsome youthful looks), and I say something to the effect of having to stay with my son for whatever reason, that I’m praised for being a father. Don’t get me wrong I’d love to win father of the year award, but not to validate me in any way, just think since Obama won the Noble Peace prize, that its the next best thing.   To me this is the equvilent of being told I speak good english.   Well I should, I was born and raised here, and went and spent my educational life in New York City’s public school.

    Last month I wrote a post dedicated to my father who passed away over 25 years ago, a life time to some.   I spoke with my little brother who was but six or seven when he passed and he said something that has stuck with me, as it is so true.   He said that though he was young, and at over 30 plus years old, has never felt that he grew up with out a father, a feeling I also share with him. Mind you my mother never remarried nor dated afterwards.   While a large portion of our inner-city brothers end up in the system to me has more to do with our tendency to be self-destructive. Look at the reasons we give, such as we aren’t the ones who makes the guns or bring the drugs into our community.  You don’t need to be rich to have a child and raise them right.   What you need to be is there.   As for women who grow up with out a father figure, maybe you need to cherish your choochie a bit more.   To give it up to some random dude who always has the latest gear, and who’s front pockets is by his knees is truly asking for trouble.   Yeah Our urban-communities are filled with many who have become part of, or a big percentage of the incarcerated community, but also we are the community who spends the most in terms of money when it comes to fashion, that includes clothing for both ladies and fellas, as well as make up for the ladies.   Maybe when we get our priorities in order other things will fall in line.

    For the baby daddy’s:
    If you think it’s cute that your child know’s all the words to the latest tunes on the radio, and can’t get pass C in the alphabet song.

    If your child has never heard you read to them, nor seen you read a book, that does not mean The Source, XXL or some other random hip-hop magazine.

    You are not to consider yourself a father in any aspect, just a sperm donor who happens to baby sit sometimes for free so you don’t get taken to court for child support.

    To the baby momma:
    If your child refers to you by first name.
    If your hair has been done, just two days ago, and you need money for pampers today
    If you hang out like you did prior to having your child

    You dear should not consider yourself a mother, try something more like a damn big sister.

    As for poverty being a reason to indulging in a life of crime, that shit doesn’t fly with me.  Those who CHOSE that lifestyle can’t seriously think that by selling drugs to the same people in their neighborhoods, that they are making it better for themselves.  I refuse to accept poverty as an excuse. Many people have left their Countries of birth because of true poverty and come here and make it for themselves.  My parents who left Cuba around the time Castro came to power, got here with nothing but my fathers dream.  Suffice to say many years later all 8 of my siblings and myself included,  have had the opportunity to attend college to make a better life, not just for ourselves, but as people.  We always see progress for ourselves, not our community.  That to me is the issue the needs to be address.

    I know this has been a bit of a rant, but leave a comment and let me know how you feel about the urban condition, and how do you think we can change it?

      Copyright secured by Digiprove © 2010 Matthew Ciscart

    4 comments

    Time versus Life lessons…


    2009
    11.26

    Tags: , , , , ,
    Posted in Food, Life, Parenting, family | 4 Comments »

    SLMB and SMBOne of the things I’ve learned as a parent, is simple projects do not exist, ever, …never are they as simple as anticipated. Take a simple grill cheese sandwich, it should take a max time of all about 7 minutes, but throw in my SLMB, and it turns into about 20 minute ordeal. Don’t get me wrong I love my SLMB, but damn when your in the mood for a quick snack and it turns into a weekend project, it can drive you a bit crazy.

    What I’ve come to realized, and parents must be aware, is that this is a stage all children go through.  It’s an important time for them, and a perfect opportunity for us as parents to help them learn life skills.  Parents really need to take a step back prior to asking little Johnny or Suzy to go find something else to do. Yes it is fustrating when you have 20 thousand things to get done, and the smallest mundane task becomes a complicated project, that requires a master degree to properly explain to our children.

    Our children learn how to be adults by watching us.  This doesn’t mean that all we must do is watch

    Life Lessons

    Life Lessons

    what we say and do to raise wonderful children. What we don’t say and, how we treat them, when they want to partake is our daily task teaches our kids more than you’d like to believe.   Our children like most adults want to be self-sufficient, and in that process, they seek our support to do so. When you tell your child to go watch TV, go play, or even read a book when they actively seek to assist in some manner be aware you are giving them life lessons which serve them no purpose. How many times, will you offer someone help, who constantly refuses your help! At some point you stop offering help, even stop coming around that person.  That persons who has refused your assistance has taught you not to bother.  What better way to help prepare our children than including them in the simple things.

    My SLMB is but seven years old and one of the most picky eaters I know, but that will not stop him from entering the kitchen to help and assist, matter of fact he knows how to properly handle

    Getting his mini-master chef on

    Getting his mini-master chef on

    all kitchen knives.  Plus he gets the added benefit of talking about what we are cooking.  One day we were cutting potatoes into inch cubes, when I asked him if he knew why we had to make them all around the same size.  To my surprise he gave me the right answer.  He told me, that if we leave them with out cutting them that they would take longer to cook so we have to make them the same size so they finish cooking around the same time.  I guess at some point in time we spoke about it and he remembered, but at the same time how often, we as parents will stop to ask a child such a question.  It’s just not a question that you can ask when Johnny is coming down the slid at the park.

    I grew up in an old school Latino house hold where my mom ruled the kitchen and no one was allowed to venture into her zone, unless you were passing through.  You were not allowed to lift the lids to check out what was cooking.  If it wasn’t for the foods wonderful rich aroma I’d find out what I was eating when I sat down at the table.  So suffice to say when I moved out my cooking consisted of steak and eggs for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.  While I enjoyed learning how to cook, I find, know is the best time for my son to learn his way around the kitchen.  If my son whats to help I let him, at least most of the time I do.  Plus when he’s 15 it’ll be hard for me to get him into the kitchen to learn how to feed himself.

      Copyright secured by Digiprove © 2010 Matthew Ciscart

    No Comments

    Lessons Learned… How to not get a job in retail.


    2009
    11.19

    Tags: , , ,
    Posted in Life, Parenting | No Comments »

    job-search1I’ve spent about majority of my working life in retail, 15 plus years. For the most part the last 10 years or so has been in some type of management or supervisory position. I realized that many of the students just graduating from high school and even college are clueless about everyday life, take first impressions. Most young job seekers fail to realize just how important first impressions are, (surprising truth, parents don’t either) they seem truly unaware that they are NOT the only ones seeking employment. I’ve worked for several big box retail companies and to say 5 people come in a day seeking employment is quite small number, but lets stick with the amount for this post.  Thats’ 35 applicatants after seven days.  Being that I’ve worked many six day weeks, thats’ 30 people asking me for a job.   Would you care to know how many of those 30 I can recall!   I’d say around 20 or so.   Yeah, that’s a large number but let’s look at the impressions made by those 20. Out of the 20, 18 will never hear from me, because after they left, I wouldn’t be able to identify them.  The only reason I remember those 18 is because everything they did to ensure I’d never consider them for employment.  What is it you may ask!  Here’s my quick list.

    Never stating their name:
    One thing, is to always state your name when meeting someone.   Chances are if you introduce yourself by name, the other persons will tell you their name.   You can’t come back and tell me you spoke to someone and never got their name.  How are you to follow up with the person you spoke to, if your clueless to their name.  Plus now that I know your name I can build a mental file for you.

    Giving me their nick-name, treating me like I’m one of their buddies:
    I’m most likely the person you may work for, and while I enjoy casual, fun and, open work environment, we are not going to hang out any time soon.  Personality can be shown in other ways.

    Walking around for 15 minutes prior to even attempting to ask for employment:
    This leads me to believe you’ve seen something you like and look forward to getting a discount.  That’s just wrong.

    Being rude to MY staff:
    Future co-workers, honestly what more can I say. That’s like upsetting the only person at the park with a basketball, and you want to play basketball.  If you don’t understand that sorry, but check out  youtube, and watch Lady GaGa“s latest video cause your wasting your time now.

    Unappropriate attire:
    Mind you I understand, this is retail and not some major insurance company, so yes I don’t expect you to show up in a three piece suit, but come semi casual.
    Fellas, if you must wear jeans please I repeat PLEASE, ensure they fit you and do not show me your looney toons underwear. A nice basic button down should also be worn, and casual shoes.  True story, had a kid come in wearing his gang colors like that was going to help him get a job.  I guess he didn’t know I was color blind.
    Ladies, your looking for employment not going to the club or preparing to take some new facebook profile pics.   Yeah, you may be drop dead gorgeous, but I don’t want to hire someone I have to fire because it’s all look and, nothing but space between their ears.

    Having no idea of job hours:

    Look I understand you may be unaware how early employees start or finish vs the time the store is actually open for business, but if you think the store closes at 5pm on Sunday’s.  Don’t think your being considered.  Stores haven’t closed that early on Sunday’s, since  Green Acres Mall opened in the early 1980′s.  Yes, I’m old enough you remember that, and your to young to know that retail stores ever closed that early in New York City at least.

    Coming in with a stack of applications:
    This looks like a numbers game, I remember before being married, the more girls I spoke to the better my odds are (which is a story for another post, and for the record my stats, are all-star level).  My thought to this approach is I hope one of the other places hires you.

    Coming in with a group:
    I see this more and more now.  A group of five people means one of you might get hired.  Do you really want to compete with your friends.  What happens either one person stands out or you all cancel each other out making me wish none of you had come in and wasted my time.

    This pretty much is how I remember 18 out of 20 applicants as for the other 2, it’s simple.

    They came in, asked immeadiately to speak to someone who could assist them, and during that time were respectful to the employees.  They also introduced themselves, by shacking hands and giving their names.  Spoke about themselves and most likely stated why and what type of employment they are searching for.   Not only, have they left an impression, but are most likely committed to following up with me.

    Now for those parent who swear you’re helping your kids when you go and ask for an application and say it’s for your son or daughter, your not.  Here’s why. Times are hard for many and now we have something commonly known as underemployemnt.  I’ve seen peoples, these are the true job seekers.   The ones who approaches you with and introduction that one can not forget, one who inspires you to hire them right there on the spot.  See parents, the first impression you have given me of your child is that maybe, your child sits home all day, and you just might be tired of buying him/her the latest greatest most expensive shoes.  While this may not be the case and your child is a striaght A student, it must be acknowledge that the effort put in by those who truly go out and seek jobs be rewarded before calling someone who I only know through mom or dad.  So parents unless you work for the place you are requesting for your child, whatever you do will not help and most likely make it harder for your child to get that job.

    This is just my opinion and my perspective, which I have come to use through much trail and error.  So my last piece of advice is:

    If you do get hire keep in mind you are most likely have to go through a probation period.  This is a period where most, if not all employers don’t really need a reason to let you go.  So in other words when I had a little lapse in judgement this is when I made amends.  It would go something like this:

    Me: Hey there so and so, when you punch in I need you see you in the office, real quick

    Them: Sure, be with you in a minute.

    Two minutes later a knock on the door.

    Me: Come in the door is open, you know we never close it.

    Them: What’s up!, I have a lot of work to do.

    Me: Well I’ve been looking at your productivity and I’m constantly feeling the need to correct you or tell you what I need done.  Is there anything wrong, that I can help you with.

    Them: Nah, I’m okay it’s just I don’t know and I’m still new.

    At this moment I pull out their application and point them to previous jobs and duties section on it.

    Me: Can you do me a favor and read this

    Well long story short don’t lie on your application, if you didn’t do then don’t write in.  Plus if you don’t know, I’ll do everything to make sure you understand.  If you say you did it, I don’t expect to hold your hands.

    So for all those in Management positions and Human Resources, let me know what lapse in judgments perspective employment seeker have had?

    Stay tune I just may have other personal developement posts in the future.

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